This page is for the hour before the conversation. It covers what to settle for yourself first, which words to use, and what your kid is likely to ask.
Settle three things first
Your first two sentences. Decide them and say them out loud once before you say them to your kid. For example: "Grandpa died this morning. His body stopped working, and he is not coming back."
Your answer to "where is he now?" Families answer this differently. Know what yours is before you are asked, and know which parts you will answer with "I don't know."
What you will do if you cry. You probably will, and that is fine. The Child Mind Institute points out that kids copy their parents, so seeing you sad shows them that grief is acceptable. It also warns against reacting explosively in front of them, which teaches an unhealthy way to deal with grief.
Use the plain words
Say "died" and "dead." The Child Mind Institute advises against phrases like "went to sleep," because a literal-minded kid can become afraid of going to sleep. Cleveland Clinic gives another example: tell a child that Grandpa is "gone," and the child asks where he went and when he is coming back.
Keep it short. Say what happened, then stop and let your kid ask.
What your kid understands depends on age
Young children often know that death happens but do not grasp that it is permanent. Psychiatrist Gail Saltz, quoted by the Child Mind Institute, puts it this way: "the concept of 'forever' is just not present." Expect the same question many times over several weeks, and give the same answer each time.
Older school-age kids understand that death is permanent. They tend to ask many questions about how and why.
Questions to expect
- "Will you die too?" The Child Mind Institute says to tell your kid that you will probably live for a long time.
- "Where is he now?" Give the answer you settled on.
- A question you cannot answer. "I don't know" is an honest answer. In the Institute's words: "It's okay if you can't answer everything; being available to your child is what matters."
In the days after
Keep the routines: meals, school, bedtime. Ask a relative or a friend to help if you cannot keep them up yourself.
Do not force a child to go to the funeral. If they want to go, tell them beforehand what they will see, including people crying.
Some kids cannot put the feeling into words. Drawing, photo albums and telling stories about the person help. Playing is a break from the feeling. It does not mean your kid has stopped caring.
When to get help
After the death of a parent or a sibling, Dr. Saltz recommends therapy. If your kid does not seem to be recovering from the loss in a healthy way, the Institute advises talking to your child's doctor.
The advice on this page follows "Helping Children Deal With Grief" from the Child Mind Institute, written by Rachel Ehmke with Gail Saltz, MD, and Cleveland Clinic's guide to explaining death to a child.